Here are some of the best deaf jokes we’ve heard over the years:
A deaf couple check into a motel and go to bed early. The wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night complaining of a headache. She asks him to go to the car to get some aspirin from the glove compartment. Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and leaves the room to go to the car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel. But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up… all but one. It’s his wife’s room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the only room without a light on.
An older man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Can You Read?
After observing a Deaf person in a public place, a hearing man decided to approach him and find out if Deaf people are literate. He wrote “Can you read?” and handed the note to the deaf person. Disgusted with this kind of ignorance, the Deaf person wrote back, “No. Can you write?”
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
Wife Fell Out
A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
The cop says, “Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”
The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”
The deaf man signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”
The hood asks the interpreter, “What did he say?”
The interpreter quickly says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger!”
Why did God make farts smell?
So Deaf people could enjoy them too.
Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!
What are the symptoms?
It’s a show about a little yellow family, but what has that got to do with my problem?
One day a blind man goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asks the barber about his bill. “I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you I am doing community service for the handicapped this week.” The blind man is pleased and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
Later a man in wheelchair comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: “I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service for the handicapped this week.” The wheelchair man is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a box of a dozen muffins waiting at his door.
A deaf man comes for a hair cut and when he asks the barber what he owes, the barber wrote on paper: “I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service for the handicapped this week. The deaf man is very happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen deaf people waiting at his door.
Two deaf men are signing to each other.
The first man asks, “What did your wife say when you got home late last night?
The second man replies, “She swore like crazy!”
And the first man asks, “What did you do then?”
And the second man replies, “I turned out the light.”
Cheerful Hot Mama
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At the man’s next appointment, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
The man replied, “Just doing what you said, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
A hearing man is hitchhiking late at night on an isolated highway. His car had broken down and he was hoping for a ride to the nearest town or telephone. After a few hours of walking and thumbing for a ride, a car finally pulls over and lets him in.
Upon entering the car the hitchhiker realizes the driver is deaf. This doesn’t bother the man and the two gesture back and forth with one another. After a few minutes the driver decides to fully depress the gas pedal and speed. The gauges on the dashboard are steadily rising and the hearing man is actually a bit frightened.
Suddenly, as if from nowhere, red and blue lights can be seen in the rear view mirrors and the car is pulled over. As they pull over, the deaf man puts one finger over his lip and looks at the hearing man, “Shhhh.” The police officer comes to the driver side of the car and asks for the driver’s license, the deaf man gestures to the police officer that he can’t hear or understand him. The hearing man follows suit. The police officer nods his head, looks around, then over enunciates the words, “S L O W D O W N !” The deaf man nods his head innocently in agreement.
As they’re driving, the deaf man becomes tired gestures to the hearing man to switch places. The hearing man agrees and is soon driving the car down the isolated highway. After a few minutes, the deaf man is fast asleep in the passenger’s seat and the hearing man is feeling adventurous. Assuming that the chances of them getting pulled over again are pretty slim, he presses the pedal to the metal and is zooming quickly toward the horizon.
As luck would have it though, he too is soon pulled over and a police officer steps up around the side of the convertible. The officer says, “I need your license and registration please…” The hearing man has a quick brainstorm and begins feigning deaf. He gestures to his ears then motions that he doesn’t understand. The police officer smiles and signs, “OH YOU’RE DEAF? MY PARENTS ARE DEAF, WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, “Brrrrr, it’s windy!”
Second one says, “No…it’s Thursday.”
Third one says, “Me too, let’s go get a drink.”
There was a lumberjack who chopped trees all day and would yell “TIMBER” just before each tree would fall. One day he set out to cut down a tall tree. He cut and cut cut. “TIMBER” he yelled. But the tree didn’t budge. He’d chop some more and yell “TIMBER” and yet the tree wouldn’t fall. So he went to a tree doctor and angrily said, “I keep cutting this tree and shout ‘TIMBER’ but it never falls! What’s wrong with it?” The doctor checked out the tree and then fingerspelled T-I-M-B-E-R. The tree fell down. The tree doctor then looks at the flabbergasted lumberjack and says, “The tree is Deaf.”
What does Santa Claus say when he loses his hearing aid?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
On a hot summer day, many people were frolicking at a local beach until King Kong appeared on the scene. Seeing the huge ape, people began to scream and hustle off the beach, except for one lovely young lady. Unaware of all the commotion, the woman continued to sunbathe peacefully. Having scared everyone away, King Kong approached the only remaining person on the beach and scooped her in his hands. She was frightened and began to scream. King Kong tried to tell her how beautiful she was. She indicated that she was Deaf by pointing to her ears and shaking her head. King Kong was surprised to learn that she was Deaf, since he knew some sign language. He began to sign, “You are so beautiful. I want to marry you.” But in the process of signing “marry,” King Kong smashed the girl into pieces.
A boy asked his father why the birds on a telephone line were kind of jumpy while other birds on a different line were sitting quietly. After a moment of thinking, his father replied that that particular line was a TTY line, causing the birds to jump.
Sell A Duck
Q: How do you sell a deaf guy a duck?
A: (Yelling) WANNA BUY A DUCK?
Deaf Jokes Submitted by Other Visitors
by Keyz (Waynesburg, PA, USA)
When a Deaf person gets a manicure, is that like a hearing getting collagen?
Q: What did Helen Keller do when she jumped off a cliff?
A: She screamed her hands off.
by Denali (Indianapolis,IN)
Q: How do you sell a hard-of-hearing person a duck when you’re deaf?
A: (Signing) WOULD YOU LIKE A DUCK?
by Denali (Indianapolis, IN)
I noticed pumpkins have no ears, so are they deaf too?
by Denali Thorn (Indianapolis)
A man walked up to two telephones. One said, “FOR THE DEAF”. The man thought, “A telephone for the deaf? They must be joking!” He tried the deaf telephone, and a hand came out of the telephone! “Can’t you read? This telephone is for the deaf only! Can you sign?” However, the man had ran away. He was arrested for using the deaf telephone, and for calling 9-1-1.
Deaf guy gets a hearing aid
by Daniel (Larkspur, CA, USA)
An old deaf guy gets fitted for a hearing aid, and it works like a charm. He comes back a week later and the doctor asks, “Is your family happy that you can hear again?” And he says, “I haven’t told them, I just sit around and listen… I have changed my will three times!”
One day, a girl walked along the shore. And then she saw a BIG egg! “Must be a dino egg, ” she thought. Then the egg hatched! The baby dragon looked at the girl. “Hello, dragon.” the girl said. The dragon was confused. It signed, “I am sorry, I am deaf and cannot hear you.” The girl was shocked and ran away, screaming. And then the big dragon transformed into a little chameleon. The chameleon laughed.
A Funny Thing
by John W Dudley (Corpus Christi TX)
My cousin and I watched as our deaf Aunt Ruthie told us a “ghost” story in sign language. We sat at her foot as she rocked. The scarier the story got, the closer she would lean in toward us. As she reached the climax she would lean in real close and spit out her false teeth!!!! WOW! We had never seen false teeth before and it just blew us away.
A Deaf Man, His Garden, and His Dog
by William (England)
There was a man who was half deaf. One day, the man bought a garden asked his neighbor what he should call his garden. His neighbor told him to call his garden Mary Plumb, but because the man was half deaf, he thought he said Hairy Bum. So he called his garden Hairy Bum. The next day, the man went out and bought a dog. When he came home, he asked his neighbor what he should call his dog. His neighbor told him to call the dog Billy, but because the man was half deaf, he thought he said Willy. So he called his dog Willy. Then one day, the man’s dog went missing. So, he called the police and told them, “I’ve looked all over my hairy bum but I cannot find my willy!”
Dr. Blind vs. Deaf Patient
by Violet (USA)
One day a deaf man went to the doctor. He signed that he was having a pain in his leg. The doctor, who was blind, asked, “So what seems to be the problem?” They continued until another doctor came in. The doctor asked, “Why not instead of asking what the problem is, trying to find out why the patient isn’t responding first.”
Fart Smells, too?
by Terry (Vancouver, B.C. CANADA)
Why do farts smell? For the benefit of the Deaf (or so that we Deafies can smell it while Hearies hear it after someone has passed gas).
by Chad Evans (Belfair, WA)
If a deaf man goes to court, is it still called a “Hearing”?
by Austin (New York)
Have you ever heard that joke about the deaf guy?
Neither have I.
Deaf vs Blonde
A blonde walks up to a deaf person and starts talking. After a while of signing, the blonde says, “So sorry, I will get back to you when your manicure is dry.”
by DHD (North Carolina)
I have AIDS…HEARING AIDS!!!
Arguing with a spouse
by Judy (Michigan)
The man was telling his wife off for something she did. She did not know what he was talking about so the deaf wife just put her hands over her eyes and did not know a thing. So nice we deaf people get lots of Peace and Quiet. About time!
Through one ear and out the other… or is it the hand?
by Janessa (California)
If you forget how to sign, does that mean that your signing just went through one hand and out the other?
by Jfitzjarrell (Utah)
A Deaf man and his hearing friend are golfing. Each time they go to tee off they have to wait for the man in front of them to clear the fairway. At about the 5 hole they actually catch up to him and the hearing man says, “Hey, I notice we keep catching up to you, would you mind if my deaf friend and I play through?” The man immediately looks offended and replies, “I was here first and it will stay that way. I don’t care if your friend can hear or not.”
As they continued playing they kept having to wait for the man to clear the fairway. Finally the Deaf man was sick of waiting and decided to tee off immediately just to give the man a scare. As luck would have it the ball hit the man directly on the head. He was furious and when he looked back to see the Deaf man, he was standing there holding his four fingers up (signing 4 (fore!))
What did the drill sergeant say to the audiologist?
I can’t hear you!
by Emily (Richmond, Ohio USA)
There were four men riding in a train car. One was Russian, one Cuban, and two Americans. The Russian took out a bottle of Vodka and started to drink it. When he had finished half of the bottle he opened the window and threw the bottle out. Everyone else in the train car was confused, asking him why he would do something like that. The man said, “I’m from Russia. We have plenty of Vodka there!”
A little while later the second man, a Cuban, took out an expensive Cuban Cigar and started to smoke it. And just like the Russian, when he was half way through he opened the window and threw it out. The other men asked him why he had done that. He replied, “I’m from Cuba, there are plenty of Cuban Cigars there!”
Some time later one of the Americans stood up, crossed the train car to the window, opened it, and threw the other American out. The Russian and the Cuban, shocked, asked him why he would do such a thing. The man signs, “I’M FROM AMERICA. WE HAVE TONS OF HEARING PEOPLE THERE!”
Change Light Bulb
by Dave Michel (Hemet, CA)
How many deaf people does it take to change a light bulb?
None, can’t communicate in the dark.
by Cindy (Largo, FL)
A deaf nurse tried using a stethoscope to listen to a patient’s heartbeat. She failed to hear anything so she said, “I declare you dead!”
Hey, did you know I know sign language?
…It comes in HANDY!
by Emmay (KY)
Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading.
For example, suppose a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean this place up,
Your stuff is lying all over on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear tomorrow
unless we do the laundry right now!”
Her lipreading husband will get:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
At the Wine Club
by Ronald Rumble (UK Newcastle)
A woman at the wine club says to her husband, “I’ve just made a silent fart, what do you think I should do, dear?” The husband replies, “Get a new battery for your hearing aid!”
Hand sign – right V points downward, stands, on top of left open palm facing upward
Hand sign – twist left wrist, palm facing downward – right V now points upward touching left palm
= Under + Stand
Lion Eat Man
by Justin Ramirez (San Antonio, TX)
One day, a man went to a park with his violin to earn money. The man started playing his violin and everyone left because the man wasn’t very skilled with his violin. The man went to another park and again, everyone left. The man went yet again to a third park and again, everyone left. The man then traveled to Africa and played his violin in an empty area. He then saw a lion, so he started playing his violin softly. The lion started walking toward him slowly, so the many started playing his violin a little louder. The lion started walking faster and the man played faster. Then, the lion ran too fast and the lion ate the man. When the man died and went to heaven, he asked God, “Why did the lion eat me?” and God replied, “Because the lion is deaf.”
State of the Art
by Angel F. (Healdsburg, CA)
A man tells his buddy, “I got a new hearing aid, the best money can buy. It’s state of the art.” His buddy asks, “What kind is it?” The man replies, “A quarter to twelve.”
The Deaf Boy and The Blind Girl
by Just for Laughs
One day a deaf boy and a blind girl were arguing. The deaf boy signed, “I said I don’t wanna talk about it anymore!” and the blind girl said, “I don’t understand the problem.” The deaf boy says, “Are you deaf?! I said I don’t wanna talk about it!” The blind girl says, “No but you are. I still can’t see the problem.”
by Josiah Hicks (Vista, CA)
A hard of hearing man went to church to confess. The priest asked what he needed to confess. The hard of hearing man started sobbing saying, “I went to the doctors… and he said I have AIDS…” He continued, “…one in my left ear, and one in my right.”
Q: What language do deaf pigs speak?
A: Swine Language
Deaf to Detective
by Carol (Oregon)
Q: What did the DEAF person say to the Detective?
A: “You have the opportunity to remain Silent.”
Have A Deaf Joke? Make Us Laugh!
Have you heard any funny deaf jokes lately? Share them with us in the comments below!